I'm Back

My life has been a whirlwind since the day I left home for college.

Most everyone says the same about his or her own life as well. Most of us are perpetually busy, running around from one activity to the next, one friend or family member to the next, one season of life to next. I guess it is a reality that we all are forced to live with. Time is fleeting and seasons often come and go so quickly.

These most formative years of my life from teens, to early twenties, to mid twenties have been such a blur at times, filtered with the faces of so many different people and backdrops. From college, to young professional life, to graduate school on the other side of the country (in the most ambitious city in the country), with various domestic and international travels thrown in between, it has been much to take in. San Diego beaches, to windy back country roads, to desert mountains and a place called Riverside where (ironically) no river actually exists today. Suburbs to New York City.  College dorm built in 1959 to 4^th floor Florence walk up built hundreds of years ago. Bedroom window views of palm trees, to a narrow Italian street, to skyscrapers, to the house across the street. My parents’ neighborhood park, to Central Park, to St. Stephen’s Green, and back to Central Park again. It has all come full circle now. It is not until I take a conscious step back to reflect and remember and take a good loooooong gaze at the bigger picture that I truly see the fullness of its beauty. What an absolute blessing of a life I have truly been given. Words cannot even begin to describe my gratitude.

I’m home now. Home again after eight years of coming and going and living out various seasons of life in different places, surrounded by many different faces. I have been hibernating since I have returned—trying to put the puzzle pieces together and make sense out of where I have been, where I am now, and where I am going, as well as who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. My surroundings may now look the same as before, but one thing is certain: I am not the same.

In the process of this reflection and God’s healing touch, difficult and challenging situations that I have gone through these past eight years have faded to the background now and the beauty of these years light up my mind’s sky like the Fourth of July.

Grateful.

That is the only word that comes to my mind when I reflect on these most formative years of my life. It has been brilliant. It has been messy. It has been absolutely fabulous, and at times heart wrenching. It has often been propelled forward with strong self-confidence and held back at times held back by fear.

It. Is. Life.

I would not want it any other way. All of it has brought me to this point that I find myself now: Authentically becoming my truest self; self-actualized and standing on the edge of a massive precipice. Before me is a future that could go in many different directions. The puzzle pieces, slowly but surly are coming together and will continue to come to together, but the timetable is not my own. Through this much needed summer of rest, I am learning even more so to have an eye for the appreciation and enjoyment of the simple pleasures in life, which truly are, indeed, the finest. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and I am no longer in a rush to get to wherever it is that I am trying to go.

Whirlwind no more; at least that is my goal. Throughout this process, I’ve learned to be authentic and I am learning to be more and more intentional with my life. I’ve been on such a pensive journey of self-discovery, especially these past six months that at times it has felt overwhelming. Much has been unknown. But one thing I have learned and treasured for most of my life:

I don’t run away from the unknown of my life.

I run toward the unknown of my life and celebrate it.

The unknown leaves wide open doors for so many possibilities and so many dreams.

Embrace it.

Embrace the process of life and self-actualization. Let it unfold naturally in peace.

Day by day. Week by week. Season by season. Year by year.

Whatever it has been, whatever is now, and whatever it is to become.

Perspective. Part 2

After my incredible experience in Central Park, my journey for beauty soon continued on to the Museum of Modern Art (MoMa) in Midtown. I have never been a huge fan of modern art, but when I heard that the MoMa contained an exhibit of Monet's Water Lilies and other pieces, I knew immediately that I had to go and see the paintings first hand.

I have been utterly fascinated with Monet’s paintings ever since I was little girl. Thanks to my sweet mother’s influence, Monet quickly became my favorite painter. I knew as a child that Monet was her favorite artist and because I adored my mother and wanted to be just like her, naturally, as with most idolizing young ones, he quickly became my favorite too. My mother had a copy of Monet’s Poppy Field hanging in her bedroom, regally placed above a fireplace. I used to stare at it with admiration, wondering who the mysterious women in the painting was and what her relationship was like with the child running behind her. 

Source: http://www.michaelwaisjr.com

As I grew older, my love for Monet  eventually became my own; however, I do still love that to this day my Mom and I both share a special love for this artist and the style of Impressionism in general. While traveling with one of my best friends in Europe this past summer (more to come on that in later blog entries), I had the once-in-a-lifetime pleasure of seeing some of Monet’s original Water Lilies in Paris at the Musee de’ Orsee and then got to experience his water lilies in real life at his Japanese garden at his home in Giverny, France just a few days later!

The only word that I can use to describe this experience is surreal. I could not believe that I was getting to see with my own eyes the lilly pond that Monet had painted these world famous paintings from. It was such a breathtaking experience and complete honor to get to take a tour of his home and gardens.  

After seeing his original paintings up close in Paris and his personal gardens in Giverny, I knew that I would really enjoy seeing other originals at the MoMa.

As soon as I stepped into the exhibit, I knew I had made the right choice. Immediately upon looking at the paintings, I was flooded with such an overwhelming sense of peace and solace.  Isn’t it absolutely amazing how God can use the arts to display His glory and speak to our souls in ways that words just can’t?

Photo: My Own from the MoMa Monet Gallery (Monet's Water Lilies)

Photo: My own from the MoMa Monet Gallery (Monet's Water Lilies)

Photo: My own from the MoMa Monet Gallery (Monet's Water Lilies)

Photo: My own from the MoMa Monet Gallery (Monet's Agapanthus)

 The beauty placed before me was breathtaking. I love to get up close to these paintings to see the brush strokes and the way the light hits the canvas from different angles. The thing with Impression though, is that when you look at it up close, it truly looks like just a bunch of dots and random color squiggles. There is no picture to be seen when one’s eyes are right up close in the midst of the painting. In order to see the beauty of the painting and the actual picture that the artist is depicting, one must step back and look at the painting from a distance…from a further perspective. This is precisely why I have always loved Impressionism and have been drawn to Monet’s work in particular. When it is looked at up close, it  truly looks like a mess. But when it is looked at from a further vantage point, suddenly it transforms into a whimsical work of beauty; a day dream in our happiest subconscious come to life. 

As I began to step forward and backward looking at Monet’s paintings in this gallery, the Lord began to speak clearly to me. He reminded me of how the vantage points of our life are exactly the same as these paintings. When we are in the midst of our circumstances and everyday living, we look around us and all we see right in front of us are the blobs of random color, awkward swirls, and messy brushstrokes that make absolutely no sense to us at all. But what happens when we take a step back, a step out of our current surroundings, and gain a perspective from a much further vantage point? 

We see the beauty of the whole picture.

The Lord says to the prophet Jeremiah in Jeremiah 33:3, “Call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do now know” (NKJV).

Is not this amazing promise from God one that we can cling hold of and act upon today? As His sons and daughters, we can call upon Him for fresh vision and new perspective. As human beings our vision is limited. His vision is limitless. He answers us and shows us great and mighty things that we could have never known and seen otherwise…He shows us the bigger picture.

Are you caught in a place right now where all you see are swirls of confusion and frustration without any real picture? Call upon the Lord.  Do you feel shortsighted in your vision for your life in 2014? Call upon the Lord.

Call upon Him and ask Him to show you His plans and His purposes for this season of your life from a further perspective. Ephesians 2:6 states, “And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus” (NIV). When you have given your life to Jesus, the Bible tells us that we become seated in heavenly places with Him; therefore we can see our life and our purposes from heaven’s perspective. Colossians 3:1-2 puts it even better, saying, “Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth” (NLT).

Set your sights on the realities of heaven.

Heaven’s reality, heaven’s truth, and heaven’s perspective are always supposed to be what guides us and influences our mind and our sight; never the schmuck of the earth. After all, aren’t we called to walk be faith and not by sight? (2 Cor 5:7).

The swirling colors and seemingly messy paint strokes that you may see right now are not the reality of heaven. The reality of heaven is the entire picture. And it is beautiful. Even if you are in what appears to be a total mess this very moment, take heart that it will be made beautiful, for we know that He makes all things new (Rev. 21:5). "I am in Christ and therefore a new creation; old things have passed away and all things are made new" (2 Cor 5:17).

Today, tonight, and every moment to follow, seize hold of the vantage point that is truly and legally yours through Jesus. Stop living as those you are stuck on ground level, stuck in the painted muck. Peer down from heaven and SEE.

See the masterpiece of your life that the Father himself is painting just for you. It is not just a bunch of dots and aimless squiggles. It is a masterpiece.

You are a masterpiece.

Perspective. Part 1

Perspective.

I was reminded so powerfully the other day about how utterly and literally our perspective affects our life, for better or worse.

I’ve just come out of the most difficult season of my life. I became so downtrodden, anxious, neurotic, and devoid of peace that it became almost impossible to picture my life being whole, healthy, and joyful again.

Perspective.

I was caught in the midst of my circumstances, looking around me and seeing nothing but defeat and repetition of my deepest fears come to life. I felt outsized, outnumbered, and utterly exhausted to the breaking point.

But, oh, perspective.

I took a walk through Central Park the other day. I do this on many days, but this particular day was quite different. What started out as not being the most pleasant stroll in the world, soon turned into a powerful, spiritual, surreal experience that I will never forget.

It was very cold and extremely windy outside; not an ideal atmosphere for a leisurely stroll with God in the park. As soon as I stepped out the door, my body reacted and jerked uncomfortably to the cold. The wind was so crisp and sharp that my ears began to scream and alarm with discomfort. My flesh began to think about how much more comfortable it would be in my nice, warm bedroom, cozied up comfortably on my bed in my sweats with a hot cup of tea…in safety…in isolation.

I knew, however, that this park is my oasis. It is my path to freedom from a season of painful isolation, obsessive repetition, and fear of the outside world. It is my secret place with God. It is my saving grace in the midst of a chaotic metropolis.

It is my park.

Those are my paths to stroll with the Lord and I was not about to let uncomfortable temperatures and circumstances dictate my pursuit of peace and beauty…my pursuit of Him. My desire for freedom and the restoration of joy to my heart far outweighed my desire for comfort and security; a security which in essence was a false sense of security anyways since I am always secure with the Lord being with me wherever I go. The four walls of my bedroom do not provide my security and safety. I am reminded that Jesus provides my security and safety, always.

My walk becomes brisk as I combat the frigid air. I take my usual path through the park, but soon find myself being wooed to walk down a different path that I had not taken before. This path led out to an area of the park that I had seen in films, but had never experienced from that vantage point in person.

Set before me was an amazing vista of the park’s winter ice rink completely surrounded by a 180 degree view of the magnificent Manhattan skyline along Central Park South. To my right was a massive rock that provided a view that was about 10 feet higher and 30 feet further from where I was currently standing. A significant number of people where gathered on the rock, peering off into the beautiful view and taking pictures that strove to last a lifetime.

I felt the Lord nudging me to go over and step up onto the rock for a better view. I said to the Lord, “That is not necessary, Lord. I can see just fine from here. Besides, to get to that rock, I have to go off of the path and step through muddy terrain. It could be dirty. It could be messy. My shoes could get dirty. It’s not necessary, Lord. I can see just fine from where I am.”

Quietly, in that beautiful but powerful, still, small voice, the Lord replied back, “Amanda, sometimes you have to go through the mud to gain a new perspective and go higher.”

I knew in that moment that the “clean” and “safe” path was no longer an option. It was time for me to step off the paved path and step through the mud so that I could step “up” onto The Rock (pun intended) and see from a new angle.

The result was absolutely incredible.

Even though the rock was not that much higher from where I was originally standing, the view was completely different. All of a sudden the skyline literally jumped out at me as if I was wearing 3-D glasses. I could see the expanse of the gorgeous park beneath the skyline’s mighty width and breath. I saw…

NEW YORK CITY

MY HOME

MY DWELLING PLACE

… in all it’s magnificence and splendor. It was as if a veil had been removed from my eyes and I could really see the beauty that had been there all along. It was the beauty that had been clouded out by a fog of difficulty and desperation, but praise God, that fog was now gone. What had previously felt like a concrete jungle that I simply needed to survive in such a difficult season, now became a work of architectural, limitless, living art upon which to thrive.

Perspective.

Gazing there upon the expansive skyline and the world’s most famous park, my mental and spiritual enemies that had tormented me for months suddenly became my footstool in a single moment (Psalm 110:1, Luke 20: 42-43). I was now seeing the world around me from the Almighty’s perspective. The higher perspective. Heaven’s vantage point.

I was reminded once again that God BROUGHT me to this city. I did not move here on my own volition and self will. He placed me here. He literally opened every door for me to be here that no man could have ever orchestrated.  What the Lord has ordained, no darkness can destroy or override. He brought me to this city not to simply survive, but to thrive and have dominion and to see His goodness in the land of the living.

I was flooded with memories of all the incredible miracles that God had worked in my life in this beloved city over the past year and a half. The wonderful memories began to outshine the dark ones. My God-given love for this city began to overcome my temporary, frustrated distain for it.

This perspective, however, did not come without choice and sacrifice. While the Lord led me to this vantage point, I had to make the choice to step up and step through the mud and walk through uncomfortable temperatures and terrain to reach the point to which He led me. His Spirit guided me and lovingly wooed me on, but I ultimately had to choose to take each step…after step…after step…over the carriage horse poo, through the mud, and upon jagged rock to reach heaven’s vista. My hand was held the entire way (thank you, Jesus), but the choice was ultimately mine.

Thank you, God, that I chose to say yes.

Perspective.

Perspective built upon a Rock.

Matthew 7:24-27